I got a text message from a new friend last night. (Now before everyone jumps to conclusions – only one of my other friends actually knows this person.) She said she wasn’t happy with her husband, whom she has come to now call her roommate. (Now that one person knows whom this is.) I’m not putting the girl on blast – she’s only a small part of this story – anyway – she tells me she’s unhappy with her mate.
How do I reply?
I text back: “Time for an affair?”
At this point I get a little more introspective than I would have cared to and make it all about me, per usual, and unbeknownst to her.
I don’t know her husband, at all. I barely know her.
I pause, and re-reply with “You should express your discontent before you do anything. He might surprise you and do what you want/need.” Mind you I am the one who suggested the affair. Now I am un-suggesting it.
I know myself well. I know why I said what I said. After years of trying to get my desires met in failed relationships I have become conditioned to cheat as an end result of my frustration and dissatisfaction. I’ve grown up enough to express my concerns; this separates me from being a teenager. I try this a few times, or for a few months (this time period has gotten impressively longer in my twenties), and then I fall into my usual patterns of behavior. Yet I don’t have to, and I don’t have to pass this along to my friends for advise, regardless of how they planned to handle the situation. I also could cease the behavioral pattern altogether by realizing that if a person “can’t give me what I want” than maybe they just aren’t it for me, and I should move along. Thanks for our time together, no hard feelings, exchange parting gifts, and then go our separate ways. Yet there is something in most of us that insists we should continue trying to mold what we have, into what we want. Or we can always do as our government has taught us, and add in a stimulus package..
Having an affair to solve problems in your marriage or failing relationship seems like a brilliant plan to a simple-minded masochist. The real problem is that having an affair is like trying to read the Sunday paper and ride a bicycle. I said the Sunday paper. I’m not talking just the skinny Tuesday paper where there isn’t much news – I’m talking the Sunday edition with funny papers, discount coupons, designer home photos, and extensive classifieds all stuffed inside like an overflowing taco. Having an affair is like trying to sort through all that shit while peddling, steering, and balancing a huffy. You’re trying to do two things at once; It’s stressful and basically impossible. You won’t ever be paying full attention to reading the paper, or riding the bike. One of the two will always feel neglected and want more, should either of these two inanimate objects have feelings? You get the point.
I’ve done it. I’ve watched plenty of my friends, men and women, do it. It always ends in flames, or worse, it ends in eternal longing in the heart area when one of you two idiots wants marriage, kids, or whatever the other asshole can’t provide you. So, if you woke up on Sunday and said: Today I need to read this massively stuffed stress filled paper (this represents your relationship, see) and then I want to take a relaxing pleasant bike ride (this is your secretary who you want to bang) you wouldn’t do both of your Sunday to do list things at once right? No, because that’s stupid. You would read the paper, then probably have a nap, eat some ice cream, watch football and go to bed. You’d forget all about the bike ride. Or you would say – forget this boring Sunday paper altogether I’m going to ride my bike and stay young. Either way you wouldn’t do both at once. Doing both at once is crazy talk. Have you ever seen someone read the paper and ride a bike? Why do we do this to ourselves? You wouldn’t. That’s why you’ve never seen some asshole riding a bike and juggling the Sunday paper, and if you did – you’d call him crazy. Which is just how you look and feel when you’re in the middle of an affair. You look and feel bat shit insane.
Honestly I have to say for the record: I would much rather be dumped respectfully than be the other bicycle, or worse the other newspaper. At the same time I will also say, I haven’t had the decency myself in my past to end it when I should have. I’ve selfishly hung onto people while I weighed the odds, made up my mind, and picked the lesser of two evils. From my selfish experience I have learned (key word: LEARNED) that the “choices” would have been much clearer if there were only single parties involved. You always compare the bike to the paper and vice versa.. Well if you only had the paper you could easily list all of its faults. It’s outdated, gets ink on your hands and you’d rather read it online. It doesn’t help that the bike is blinding you with all the fun you have on it, but you also don’t see all the work you have to do in order to get anywhere. You might not realize how relaxing the paper was for you and you didn’t have to do anything to get cozy with it…
My point is exhausted..
Life is short and we certainly should do whatever feels good for us. If you don’t have a conscious, weren’t raised catholic or Italian than have at it, by all means. The minute something that should come natural begins feeling stressful or forced; it’s time to stop. The minute we’re lying to ourselves or compromising our values and beliefs we should question ourselves. Everything in this world can be justified for an orgasm, similarly most of those actions can be stopped if we visualize our partners doing the same to us, and seeing how we would like it. Most of your answers can be found right there.. Double standards are lame; I’m learning to outgrow them. Being stereotypical is a sign of weakness. I haven’t been leveled enough by anyone that I can’t chose the strength path.. Even if that means simply starting to give better advise to my new friends.. then going from there. We’re grown ups, it’s time we deal with our shit and whatever happened to us when we were 5 and act like adults. There’s no need to hurt innocent people in the middle of our healing process, and no need to justify our actions on the basis of our shithead partners and their dysfunctional pasts. There is a resolution in sight: Just.Be.Single.
